Archive | Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series

savoring life with my littles… I think

May 9, 2013 at 3:51 pm

“And what’s your plan for the day?” Elliott asked me this morning as he poured coffee into his travel mug.

“Absolutely… nothing… planned,” I replied, sorting through my schedule and coming up empty. “Maybe we’ll take a walk?”

“Sounds nice,” he sighed wistfully. “Taking a walk, reading books, all with your kids….” With that he kissed us all goodbye and walked out the door for another day in the vet clinic.

He’s so right, I realized as I sat down on the rug a few minutes later to play with Lena and Gil. It has been good for my soul to be at home with our children these past two years in Sicily. I know that Elliott, too, would trade places with me in heartbeat. And yet for this season of life it’s been my privilege to be the one who gets to be at home.

In an act of thankfulness, I picked up my camera and took some pictures of our morning.

And then I read this article today entitled Don’t Savor Every Moment and have since struggled over posting these pictures. The author of the article challenged the tendency today for young mothers “to take in all of life and to feel the constant beauty of motherhood. We are a generation that puts an incredible premium on happiness.” Her conclusion is that we should learn in every situation to be content (Philippians 4:11) and to let go of the burden of savoring and capturing every moment.

I know that this article was written just for people like me. I know the pressure of wanting to capture these years with my children; I know the desire to edit my life along with my pictures. I often let my motherhood become my identity instead of finding my roots in the renewing work of Christ within me, as the author so aptly put it.

In the end, I am a mother for this season here on earth, at home with two beautiful children, shouldering the weight of parenthood and adult responsibility with a compassionate husband. Yet this is not my ultimate identity, or my final identity. It is like a spark, here and gone, in the grand scheme of my life and in the far broader swath of eternity. But I love this spark, these moments, and so I savor them for as long as they are given to me.

And so here are the pictures from this morning, already a moment here and gone.

^ Lena read books in bed while I put Gil to bed. She’s proudly showing me the horse she found.

^ I don’t know about you, but I’ve given up on dust covers on children’s books. A stack of them waits to be used again… never?

^ When Gil wakes up, they seem to be saying to each other, “Why… hello there!”

What about you? Do you feel like you meticulously, even frantically, capture and savor every moment? Or do you feel like you’re still waiting for your life to start? Or have you found a balance that gives you roots in a greater story?

18 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, home sweet home, motherhood, naptime diaries, thoughts

5 Secrets to Help Your Baby Sleep in His Own Bed

May 2, 2013 at 2:53 pm

Let me paint a picture of my life about a month ago. Nine AM on a weekday. Elliott would have left for work, I would be holding the fort down at home. At about this time, Gil would already be fussing, refusing to be set down and unhappy in my arms. Nap time. After setting Lena up with something safe to do, I would turn to the task of putting Gil to sleep, an ordeal I well know could take 45 minutes.

I would take Gil into a dark room, swaddle him, nurse him, give him his pacifier, and then hold him to my chest as I started walking with a bouncing step, pacing the room over and over and over. Gil would almost always spit out his pacifier, arch his back, cry, and scream. I would keep working with him, shushing and rocking and pacing until finally — finally — he seemed to be asleep.

I would wait another 5 minutes, still bouncing and pacing, until I was sure he was really asleep. Then, ever so gently, I would lay him down in his co-sleeper cotand creep away.

Outside his room, I would have just smiled down at Lena and said, “Yes, Mama can play with you now,” when I would hear a snuffling sound.

He had woken up.

Sighing but not surprised, I would go back into the room and start the process over again. This time I would put him into the baby swing (conveniently located right next to his bed).

Another 30 seconds later I would hear the same impatient “eh-eh-eh” as Gil realized that he had been left once again. I would start the process for the third time. Finally maybe this time he would sleep.

I would leave his room, look at the time, and groan. Just 9:45 AM. How much of this day stretching ahead of me would be spent in this Groundhog Day drama? I was so tired of this and Gil was just 2.5 months old. When would he sleep in his bed? What was I doing wrong? Why wouldn’t he stay asleep? How long would I be using this swing?

Can any of you relate? Little did I know, hope was just around the corner…

— fast forward to 3 weeks ago —

“You’ve probably read enough about babies and sleep,” my friend Bethany joked, “but I wondered if you’ve ever read Secrets of the Baby Whisperer? It was helpful for me with my boys.”

I shook my head. “I haven’t read it, actually, and I’m desperate enough to try anything. I’d love to borrow it.”

I’m so glad I did, too. I’ve read a lot of books about babies, but this one was new to me. I was immediately captivated by the author’s cheery, conversational writing style, which made the whole paperback seem more readable than many more academic — but wonderful! — tomes. Also, almost immediately I found myself thinking, “Wow… maybe I’ve been doing this all wrong? I need to try this with Gil!”

I decided to put the book into practice one Saturday when I had Elliott around to help with Lena (and offer moral support!). Then I started doing 5 things:

1. I watched Gil for signs of sleepiness and then started the process of putting him down for a nap by his second yawn.

According to the book, there are three stages to falling asleep (yawning, a dazed stare, and then nodding off to sleep). I started watching Gil closely for signs that he was getting tired in the first stage, which included yawning as well as rubbing his eyes, turning his head away from stimulation, and becoming increasingly discontent. Then I counted the yawns and began the process of putting him to sleep by the second or third yawn. This way I avoided overtired screaming and — to my astonishment — he would fall asleep within 1-5 minutes instead of with 10 minutes of screaming!

2. I began to lay Gil down in his crib when he was drowsy, not fully asleep.

To do this, I would only hold Gil for a moment or two before laying him into his bed. Then, while he was still awake in his bed, I would gently hold his pacifier in his mouth, pat his chest, and say “shhh” until he sunk into a deep sleep. If he started crying, I would pick him up and soothe him again; as soon as he was calm again, I would lay him down. Gil actually seemed to like this and it made me wonder if all the rocking and bouncing I used to get him to sleep before was frustrating to him and keeping him up longer! Also, I think the transition of moving to his bed was more disruptive to him in a deep sleep than in a drowsy state when he could say, “ok, I’m falling asleep in my bed now” and then do just that.

3. I began to put Gil to sleep for the night around 6:30 PM.

Before I made these changes, Gil had been up and down until 11 PM each night. This is typical for a newborn that has no routine and no knowledge of the difference between night and day. But Gil was already 2.5 months, and every book says a baby should be going to sleep between 6-7 PM at that age. Gil still continues to wake up to nurse about every 2-3 hours, but he knows now (and learned quickly) that he must go right back to sleep after nursing at night. What a relief! Elliott and I have our evenings to ourselves again!

4. With the earlier bedtime, I also introduced a bedtime routine to signal the end of the day and to help Gil relax before bed.

Following the suggestions in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, I began to give Gil a short bath and massage at 6 PM every evening. Gil LOOOOVES this time with me. He smiles the entire time and coos and just gobbles up all the individual attention. He loves the warm bath, he loves the massage, he loves the quiet room and me smiling down and singing to him. This has become a time that I look forward to as well. I watched this DVDto help me learn some infant massage techniques and I use this super-safe lotionon Gil’s baby skin.

Now I only wish someone could put me to bed with a bath and a massage every night. And going to bed at 6:30 wouldn’t be so bad either!

5. Finally, I stopped using the baby swing.

It was a bit of a relief, to be honest. Although I miss the 3-hour naps Gil took in it at one point in his earlier babyhood, I had begun to notice after about 2 months that Gil didn’t seem fully rested, peaceful, or content when he woke up from a nap in the swing. Also, the swing is an eyesore and has a large footprint in our home. I’m so glad to be rid of it!

We interrupt this program to admire the cuteness beside me right now…

And so there you have it. Big, wonderful changes around here! I have a little guy who actually sleeps in his bed now, who requires very little soothing before he sleeps, and who goes to sleep for the night around 6:30 PM. Such an improvement for this mama… and her baby! I haven’t said this about a baby book before, but I will say it about this one: Secrets of the Baby Whispererchanged my life.

Now lest I give you the impression that life with Gil is just peachy, please know that isn’t entirely true yet. He takes only short naps (30-45 minutes at a time) and that is so frustrating to me; I wish he’d sleep longer. I go into his room and do all I can to coax him back to sleep, but I’m rarely successful. Another frustrating thing is that he wakes up 3-5 times a night to nurse. I know this was a habit I established early by feeding him whenever he asked for it, but it didn’t bother me so much when he was sleeping next to me. Now that he’s sleeping in another room, getting up every 2 hours in the night to feed him is exhausting. I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet. In fact, I have no idea what to do about it. My books say I should soothe him instead of feeding him… but at 2 AM all I want to do is get back to my own warm bed as quickly as I can, not soothe a screaming baby for an hour! Other books say I should let him cry it out.

Do you have any ideas??

22 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, family, Gil, motherhood, tutorials

growing pains in this new life

March 25, 2013 at 4:04 pm

One morning at the villa with my family (see photos from our week away here and here), my mom offered to watch the kids and sent me outside with a magazine. Barely 15 minutes had gone by before she was sheepishly bringing me my crying baby… do you think he knew I left him or something? :)

Anyway, Gil and I stayed there for about an hour. After eating, he eventually dozed off on my shoulder. I asked my brother to take some photos of us. Isn’t it such a beautiful setting? But also, for me, these photos capture a beautiful memory of time with my son.

To be frank with you, these days have been hard. Hard in ways I never anticipated. Gil is two months old today, and these past two months he has spent mostly needing me, fussing/crying/screaming, or tenuously asleep (often next to me). Elliott and I have felt our reserves of patience and perspective draining away, and the result is that we’ve been short-tempered with everyone (each other, Lena, Gil, the cat…).

Basically, in two months Gil has taught us more about the difficulties of parenting than Lena did in two years.

Meanwhile, I have felt such a complete loss of self. I am writing this while sitting on the living room rug surrounded by scattered toys and unfolded laundry. Gil is next to me on a blanket, kicking away and touching my knee with his fist. He is making little noises that tells me his brief happiness will not last much longer. I am wearing my new uniform — yoga pants, nursing tank top, slippers, and whatever hair style I slept in — and I am struggling to find words in my fuzzy, sleep-deprived brain.

*pause to soothe Gil to sleep*

When I say “loss of self,” I mean two things. First there is the natural loss of the person I was: someone who had one child, who could keep a relatively tidy house, who put on regular clothes every morning, who managed to leave the house without every trip turning into a “you aren’t going to believe this” story.

But there is also the loss of self because there is very little room for self anymore in this new life. My baby needs me, my toddler needs me, my husband needs me (and needs not just the leftovers). There’s almost no time to read a book, to work on a knitting project, to read a friend’s blog, to write a long email. The natural response to this — selfishness — predictably and frustratingly just sets us all back instead of moving us forward. And yet selfishness rears its ugly head more than ever when self is continually denied.

I don’t have any well-thought-out, clean way to conclude here, especially as Gil is crying again already. Let me simply say… these pictures give me perspective. Gil, for all his anxious tears these days, is still a handsome, healthy little boy, and more than likely he’ll outgrow this stage. And so will we!

I am so grateful to be a mother. To be his mother. I love him so.

38 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, family, Gil, motherhood, thoughts

this morning with my babies

February 13, 2013 at 10:31 am

Well, here we are on Day 3 of Week 1! And so far we have survived and generally managed to have some fun while doing it. We continue to be cared for so well by meals from friends and play dates that happen right in my home so I don’t have to go anywhere. I feel so loved by my community and thankful for this season of life, despite the fact that caring for two children 24/7 is one of the hardest things I have done in awhile. No matter how each day goes, though, I am always so grateful to see Elliott walk through the door.

Since right now both kids are napping (!), I thought I’d share a few photos that I took this morning. You can’t see Lena’s runny nose or mine, or the pile of dirty laundry, or the blocks that Lena threw instead of stacking them, but all those things exist, even though they’re not the most fun things to photograph. Enjoy the beautiful side of the morning with me!

One strategy I am employing this week is to pull out a new toy for Lena each day. This started with a bag of used toys I bought from my friend Rachel, but then we were surprised by some gifts from friends and family. Today we opened up these beautiful blocksfrom my friend Jen. Thank you so much, Jen… we love them!

Thank you all for your comments and advice after my last post! The sleep is getting a little better but we definitely don’t have a routine down yet. We’re working on it as we get used to our little man and his needs. Gil surprised us by being so different from Lena. From Day 1 in the hospital she would just curl up next to me and sleep the whole night through with occasional nursing, but Gil nurses next to me and then bursts into tears! Why, buddy? We’re figuring out his needs along with our own and trying to come up with a system that works for all of us.

Anyway, since you are all so full of such wonderful advice, I’d love to hear any fun activities that you have developed for your toddlers. I’m thinking of making her some play doh soon. Today she had fun watering the plants for me with a bucket of water and a cup. I sat down in the sun with my reheated cup of coffee and enjoyed all glorious 10 minutes that that lasted.

And so we go on!

11 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, Gil, Lena, motherhood

ten o’clock an all’s well!

February 11, 2013 at 10:31 am

Good morning! Well, here I am… flying solo. Elliott is back at work and this is the first day of my first week as a mama alone at home with two babies.

Friday was actually my first solo day, and I would not call it successful. Lena threw the temper tantrum of the decade, Gil fussed a lot of the day, we spent a good 5 minutes all bawling together at some point in there, and I might have sent a “mayday!” message to Elliott sometime around… oh… 2pm.

So far today has already been better. We’ve missed Elliott this morning, but we have survived. Breakfast, playtime, and nap time have happened without drama. I even managed to wash the dishes after breakfast (which, as you know, I have given up doing with two babies unless all the stars align). We have some friends coming later for a play date, my friend Jen is dropping off dinner, and all in all… we have a lot to be thankful for on this first day of our first solo week.

Well, okay, Lena is currently calling “Mama… Mama…” instead of actually napping, Gil is due to wake up any moment, there are toys all over the living room, and I’ve misplaced my cup of coffee somewhere in the chaos but… you know. Perspective! Attitude!

I will admit that this day is a welcome relief from the whole weekend, which was not so pleasant. I’ve had a bad cold and so have been foggily stumbling through the weekend with a dripping nose and dull headache. We didn’t sleep much at all on Friday night until around 3:30am Elliott asked me to go sleep on the daybed in Lena’s room in order to at least sleep for a few hours. I don’t like the idea of sleeping in different rooms, or of sleeping away from our baby, though. We both agree that we want this to be as temporary a solution as possible.

What did you do in order to sleep when you — or your friends or family — had a newborn? Any tips you can pass along?