Archive | motherhood

a few tips about maternity clothes

August 26, 2013 at 9:00 am

Some of you already know this, but my dear friend Johanna recently announced that she is expecting her first baby! I cannot wait to meet that little bundle in the spring. He or she? Curly hair or strawberry blonde… or both?

With all the joy — “this is really happening!” — comes so many questions. “Maternity clothes? Choosing baby items? Working within a budget?” She asked me to pass along any advice that I had as it came to me, and I thought it might be fun to turn the multiple emails I knew I’d be writing to her into a bunch of blog posts for her… and for other new moms out there, too.

So, whether you’re in the thick of this stage, looking forward to it (or dreading it!), or waving at it in the rearview mirror, welcome to a new little blog series on Making Room. Please share your own tips and advice; we’d all love to learn from each other’s wisdom!

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Johanna wrote that maternity clothes that are “attractive/affordable seem awfully hard to find!” I remember feeling the same way in those early days too, as price tags discouraged me (“but I’ll only be wearing this for a few months…”) and the cheapest things often just weren’t my style. Can anyone else relate?

Over two pregnancies, though, my maternity wardrobe has grown and I now love many of the pieces in it. Some of them are totally cute and I was excited to wear them again when I was pregnant with Gil! However, I didn’t build my wardrobe by dipping in and out of maternity stores or by online shopping. The truth is that I spent no more than $50 on my entire maternity wardrobe (right down to undergarments, which were all new). My strategy is…

Beg. Borrow. Steal.

1. Beg, ie. ask for things

Let people — especially family members and close friends — know that you are in need of maternity clothes.

All of the maternity pieces in the two photos above (dress, jacket, sweater, jeans) were gifts from my mom and mother-in-law. (The scarf was a non-maternity gift from my sister!) They knew I needed maternity clothes and so that is what I got for my birthday and for Christmas. All of these pieces have gotten a lot of mileage in both of my pregnancies, so thank you, Mama and Mom!

Also, letting close friends know you need maternity clothes can lead to some fun surprises. A friend might be in Old Navy, see something cute, and think of you! Or, in the case of my sister-in-law Jess, they might decide to go on an online shopping spree and surprise you with a box in the mail. (All the things you got for me, Jess, were wardrobe staples for both me and Becca Arthur. Thank you again and again!)

Finally, don’t be afraid to return things if they just aren’t your style. Most people who gave me maternity clothes also handed me a receipt “just in case.” I took advantage of that in a couple of instances and often walked out of the store with a much larger pile of clothing than I walked in with, thanks to sales and coupons.

2. Borrow

Ask a friend, neighbor, or community member
if you can borrow their maternity stash.

The shirt in the photo above was one of many incredible maternity clothes that I borrowed from this super talented young lady. She and I were a part of the same church in D.C. and she had listed her maternity clothes as “available to borrow” in the moms’ group. I was kind of sorry to give them back after Lena was born. They were cute! Highlight of that experience: walking into a church event and having her and multiple other women say, “Hey, I know who you borrowed that pretty maternity top from!”

The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancyhas a lot to say about sharing maternity clothes. I enjoyed that book and recommend that section of it.

3. Steal, ie. find things for a steal

A beautiful maternity wardrobe does not have to cost much. It takes patience and time to build an attractive, functional maternity wardrobe on a dime (ie. a steal).

However, patience and time are two things our culture does not value. Here are a few tips to help you thoughtfully build your wardrobe on a budget (and with things you like!):

Make your current clothes last as long as possible. With most first pregnancies, you won’t need real maternity clothes until halfway through or more. You can make your regular clothes stretch (pun intended) by sticking to more forgiving, flexible materials and patterns. The green floral top I’m wearing above is one of my favorites… but it’s just a size L shirt from H&M that has a tie in the back (and cost $5 on sale). For your pants or jeans, use “the rubber band trick.” (<– that is a great blog!)
Hand-me-downs are amazing. I love love love my neighborhood moms’ group on Capitol Hill in D.C.; it networked the community so well through a simple email listserve. With about 5,000 moms on the listserve, there was always something baby- or maternity-related that someone wanted to give away (like the brown blouse above). Through taking others hand-me-downs, sorting through, donating what I didn’t want, and saving what I did, I got most of my maternity staples for free. (And yes, I did this while working full time.) Is there a moms’ community in your neighborhood, church, town, or city? If not, start one. All it takes is a Yahoo or Google Group and a few ground rules. Here in Italy the moms in my community use a Facebook page.
Shop sales and thrift stores. Check out Craigslist for women who are desperate to sell their whole maternity wardrobes. Take your time… there is gold out there!
Buy only when you need to. Your body will change and clothes will not fit the same at 20 weeks (“these maternity pants are huge… lucky me!”) and 40 weeks (“I cannot fit in anything. Time to be born, baby.”) When you don’t fit into what you have, it’s time to go shopping. You’ll be disappointed if you bought everything you thought you’d need at 20 weeks and then get tons of hand-me-downs and gifts… and end up with a lot of money wasted.
Finally, accessorize. Taking time to add a scarf, belt, boots, or earrings somehow takes you from wearing “preggers clothes” to “an adorable outfit.” I am terrible at this, but I love this mom’s ideas for “dressing the bump.” Made me want all her clothes!!!

Now it’s your turn! Do you have any advice for dressing well during pregnancy?

47 :: in Baby Numero Due, motherhood, new baby series

a mom doesn’t go on vacation

June 14, 2013 at 8:43 pm

a completely unrelated photo of me and my babies from a foggy morning in Sicily

It’s a quiet mid-afternoon on Friday. I’m sitting outside on my parents’ deck with Elliott; Gil is lying on a blanket at our feet gazing up at the trees; Lena is napping upstairs.

I love being “home” in Virginia. My mom takes amazing care of us and I always feel so pampered while I’m here. I wake up in the morning to a pot of hot coffee (that I didn’t brew myself!) and a big smile… and arms that are eager to hug my little ones and take them away from me so I can rest.

I’m learning anew how important rest is for a mother. After this past weekend — still jet lagged after running around at UVA Reunions — I felt so burned out. I think part of it was the realization that I, as a mother, was not really on vacation. Elliott was all smiles and un-knotting muscles; he had left work behind him and was free! But I was looking at the upcoming month in Virginia and realizing that it looked discouragingly… familiar.

My work does not end just because it’s the summer or because I’m home in Virginia or because Elliott isn’t going to work every day. My work continues: waking up around 6:30 when the first baby is up, putting them down for naps throughout the day, providing activities for both of them (tea parties, walks, playgrounds, books, rolling over, etc.), getting three ~~nutritious~~ meals on the table for Lena, administering discipline with compassionate listening, putting them to bed, waking up to comfort them in the night, and so on and so forth.

My mom and Elliott help with everyone one of these tasks. However, the ultimate responsibility for all of these things rests on me. I need to make sure my children are rested, fed, bathed, nurtured. I am the caretaker of my family, a weighty and wonderful and never-ceasing responsibility.

It’s somewhat overwhelming to look at this work of mine as never ending. (Now, of course there will be different stages to this work. Babies are not the same as middle school children, and middle school children are not the same as college graduates. But still.) For the rest of my life, I’ll be a mom. I’ll always feel a sense of responsibility to care for my children, to meet their needs before my own, to love them no matter our age or stage in life. I’ll never be “free” of this. Illustrations like “motherhood is a marathon” fall short because in some ways the marathon will never be over. I won’t stop running — caring — until the day I die.

And the prospect of that is somewhat terrifying. I have been thinking about it a lot this week, seeking perspective and clarity. The truth is I must learn to find rest and solace in the midst of this work. Resigning is not an option. Two babies and a wonderful husband are counting on me. They need me. Right now.

So what do I do? While I don’t have a single, brilliant solution, I have noticed a few things that have helped me lately. They seem so small in the face of the enormity and beauty of this task. But they have helped me to show more grace to my family. And grace is what gets us all through the day, through the marathon, and Home.

Here they are:

Setting goals. At the start of the day I often say, “[X] is the one thing I want to get accomplished today.” It might be sweeping the floors, finishing a book, writing a long-overdue email to a friend or sibling, doing three loads of laundry from start to finish, or even making one particularly dreaded phone call. (I hate the phone.) Having annual goals helps me too… although I’ve been slacking on my 2013 goals lately. Maybe in the second half of this year…?

Asking for help. So simple, so hard. I’m getting better about it since Gil was born. (I need it more since Gil was born; two is so much harder than one.) Also it is absolutely key to ask my husband for help graciously and before I am too desperate. Can I get an “amen”?

Getting enough sleep. I can manage on about 6 hours a night for about 2 weeks and then I fall apart. I’m terrible about putting myself to bed on time, though, and unfortunately so is Elliott! Any tips?

Drinking enough water. At home I have this cupand carry it around the house with me. I need to get back into that habit while in Virginia.

Reading books, essays, or even blogs that affirm this work of motherhood and caring. My favorite book on the topic is Andi Ashworth’s Real Love for Real Life. Two other books I want to read about caregiving are this oneand this one. Do you have any other recommendations?

Finally, prayer and Bible study. Why does this often become so optional to me when it should be my biggest priority?? After reading through the Bible twice since we got married, Elliott and I are mixing things up a bit by reading a book about grace. It’s provoked some great discussion and it’s been good to read together.

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How do you pace yourself in the midst of this great, vacation-less work of motherhood?

10 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, motherhood, thoughts

5 Ways to Improve My Parenting

June 3, 2013 at 7:56 pm

I just finished an absolutely fabulous book called NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. This NY Times bestseller came out in 2009, so I’m a little behind the times. Maybe you’ve already read it? I picked up the book last week and — despite my sister visiting and my two small children — I could hardly put it down.

The book is an entertaining, highly readable review of multiple studies about child development that have not yet trickled down into common knowledge. I love nerdy non-fiction like this, especially when it’s related to parenting. (See my two other book reviews about books that have transformed my parenting: Simplicity Parenting and Bringing Up Bebe.)

After reading NurtureShock, I poured over the book for awhile and came up with five things that inspired me the most. Then I sorted out five goals to help me turn that inspiration into action. Here are my goals… maybe they’ll inspire you too!

1. I will praise my children for their efforts rather than their achievements.

Studies show that praising children for their achievements and intelligence (“Great job! You’re SO smart!”) makes them work for the praise and thus become afraid of failing and showing they’re not “smart.” Put another way, boosting self-esteem has not produced positive results. Inversely, praising children for their effort rewards them for the process instead of the result (“You concentrated on your homework today without getting distracted. I’m proud of you for working so hard.”). Thus they are motivated to work harder along the way rather than to be afraid of losing the praise if they fail.

For me, it’s a big mental shift to praise the effort rather than the result. I’ve been trying, though, and one area is toilet training. Lena has been toilet trained for months but is learning to get herself to the toilet without damp underwear due to some dilly-dallying along the way. I’ve been making an effort to praise her for going to the toilet quickly and to praise her for trying even when she doesn’t think she needs to go.

2. I will prioritize their sleep their entire childhoods.

Depriving children of the sleep they need has been shown to lead to ADHD, obesity, loss of emotional well-being, and lower IQ. We work hard now to let Lena and Gil sleep as long as they need to and as much as research says we should, but what about when they are in elementary school and there are sports activities that push back dinnertime, homework, and bedtime? What about when they are in high school and need more sleep than they did in middle school (surprise suprise!)?

After reading the compelling research in this book, I want to always be hyper vigilant of my children’s sleep needs, not just now as a sleep-deprived young mother.

3. I will talk about race with my children.

Studies show that many parents — white parents especially — think their children don’t notice difference in skin color. Therefore they choose to take the path of least resistance and basically pretend that race, differences in skin color, and differences in culture don’t exist. However, studies reviewed in this book show that children do notice differences and pick up on their parents’ response to them. “[Child development researchers] argue that children see racial differences as much as they see the difference between pink and blue–but we tell kids that “pink” means for girls and “blue” is for boys. “White” and “black” are mysteries we leave them to figure out on their own.” Conversations about race are often only initiated after a child makes an embarrassing public statement; research shows, however, that the most positive outcomes occur when parents and children talk openly about the differences as their children grow.

After reading this book, I want to read books with my children about skin color, civil rights, and world cultures. I will aspire to talk frankly and thoughtfully about race.

4. I will nurture self-control and self-directed play in my children.

“[T]he predictive values of self-discipline in many cases are better than those of IQ scores. In simpler words, being disciplined is more important than being smart.” The authors used an example of a highly effective preschool and kindergarten program (Tools of the Mind) that encourages children to structure their playtime and uniquely cooperate in their reading, playing, and learning. This program has had an amazing effect on classrooms by producing calm, well-behaved, self-directed students who score phenomenally better on standardized tests.

The discussion in this chapter reminded me a lot of all the reading I’ve been doing about Montessori education (a couple of blog posts about that coming soon!) and inspired me more than ever to encourage structure, routine, self-discipline in my home for my children. I’m also inspired to learn more about several complicated educational ideas (like symbolic thought and executive function).

5. I will respond to my children’s speech… even when it’s just babble.

This chapter started with a fascinating discussion of two things we once thought were helpful: baby-targeted media (like Baby Einstein DVDs) that are supposed to boost language comprehension and talking non-stop so that your child hears as many words as possible. Studies have shown that these methods are sometimes more harmful than helpful. Instead, new studies have shown that infants’ vocabulary expands most quickly when parents respond either with a caress or with words to child-initiated speech. An example: when a one-year-old is asking for a spoon, rather than just ignoring the child or continuing an unrelated stream of chatter, a child will most quickly pick up on language when the parent might respond, “Yes, Charlotte, that’s a spoon.” Even just touching or kissing the child to affirm their attempts at language has also been shown to make remarkable differences in children’s language development.

After reading this, I am more aware of periods in Lena and Gil’s days when they are more vocally interactive. They are looking for a response from me, whether it’s cooing and smiling back, hugging or kissing them as we babble together, or answering Lena’s new refrain of, “What’s that, Mama?” I also want to follow their lead, watching what they are interested in and what they are asking about. I want to be attentive to them and encouraging of their efforts at language.

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There’s so much more in this book: why teenagers rebel, why kids lie, why siblings fight, and “why modern involved parenting has failed to produce a generation of angels.” Have you read this book or heard of some of these studies? Do any of these changes ring true with you, or have you tried them in your own home?

22 :: in book reviews, motherhood

savoring life with my littles… I think

May 9, 2013 at 3:51 pm

“And what’s your plan for the day?” Elliott asked me this morning as he poured coffee into his travel mug.

“Absolutely… nothing… planned,” I replied, sorting through my schedule and coming up empty. “Maybe we’ll take a walk?”

“Sounds nice,” he sighed wistfully. “Taking a walk, reading books, all with your kids….” With that he kissed us all goodbye and walked out the door for another day in the vet clinic.

He’s so right, I realized as I sat down on the rug a few minutes later to play with Lena and Gil. It has been good for my soul to be at home with our children these past two years in Sicily. I know that Elliott, too, would trade places with me in heartbeat. And yet for this season of life it’s been my privilege to be the one who gets to be at home.

In an act of thankfulness, I picked up my camera and took some pictures of our morning.

And then I read this article today entitled Don’t Savor Every Moment and have since struggled over posting these pictures. The author of the article challenged the tendency today for young mothers “to take in all of life and to feel the constant beauty of motherhood. We are a generation that puts an incredible premium on happiness.” Her conclusion is that we should learn in every situation to be content (Philippians 4:11) and to let go of the burden of savoring and capturing every moment.

I know that this article was written just for people like me. I know the pressure of wanting to capture these years with my children; I know the desire to edit my life along with my pictures. I often let my motherhood become my identity instead of finding my roots in the renewing work of Christ within me, as the author so aptly put it.

In the end, I am a mother for this season here on earth, at home with two beautiful children, shouldering the weight of parenthood and adult responsibility with a compassionate husband. Yet this is not my ultimate identity, or my final identity. It is like a spark, here and gone, in the grand scheme of my life and in the far broader swath of eternity. But I love this spark, these moments, and so I savor them for as long as they are given to me.

And so here are the pictures from this morning, already a moment here and gone.

^ Lena read books in bed while I put Gil to bed. She’s proudly showing me the horse she found.

^ I don’t know about you, but I’ve given up on dust covers on children’s books. A stack of them waits to be used again… never?

^ When Gil wakes up, they seem to be saying to each other, “Why… hello there!”

What about you? Do you feel like you meticulously, even frantically, capture and savor every moment? Or do you feel like you’re still waiting for your life to start? Or have you found a balance that gives you roots in a greater story?

18 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, home sweet home, motherhood, naptime diaries, thoughts

5 Secrets to Help Your Baby Sleep in His Own Bed

May 2, 2013 at 2:53 pm

Let me paint a picture of my life about a month ago. Nine AM on a weekday. Elliott would have left for work, I would be holding the fort down at home. At about this time, Gil would already be fussing, refusing to be set down and unhappy in my arms. Nap time. After setting Lena up with something safe to do, I would turn to the task of putting Gil to sleep, an ordeal I well know could take 45 minutes.

I would take Gil into a dark room, swaddle him, nurse him, give him his pacifier, and then hold him to my chest as I started walking with a bouncing step, pacing the room over and over and over. Gil would almost always spit out his pacifier, arch his back, cry, and scream. I would keep working with him, shushing and rocking and pacing until finally — finally — he seemed to be asleep.

I would wait another 5 minutes, still bouncing and pacing, until I was sure he was really asleep. Then, ever so gently, I would lay him down in his co-sleeper cotand creep away.

Outside his room, I would have just smiled down at Lena and said, “Yes, Mama can play with you now,” when I would hear a snuffling sound.

He had woken up.

Sighing but not surprised, I would go back into the room and start the process over again. This time I would put him into the baby swing (conveniently located right next to his bed).

Another 30 seconds later I would hear the same impatient “eh-eh-eh” as Gil realized that he had been left once again. I would start the process for the third time. Finally maybe this time he would sleep.

I would leave his room, look at the time, and groan. Just 9:45 AM. How much of this day stretching ahead of me would be spent in this Groundhog Day drama? I was so tired of this and Gil was just 2.5 months old. When would he sleep in his bed? What was I doing wrong? Why wouldn’t he stay asleep? How long would I be using this swing?

Can any of you relate? Little did I know, hope was just around the corner…

— fast forward to 3 weeks ago —

“You’ve probably read enough about babies and sleep,” my friend Bethany joked, “but I wondered if you’ve ever read Secrets of the Baby Whisperer? It was helpful for me with my boys.”

I shook my head. “I haven’t read it, actually, and I’m desperate enough to try anything. I’d love to borrow it.”

I’m so glad I did, too. I’ve read a lot of books about babies, but this one was new to me. I was immediately captivated by the author’s cheery, conversational writing style, which made the whole paperback seem more readable than many more academic — but wonderful! — tomes. Also, almost immediately I found myself thinking, “Wow… maybe I’ve been doing this all wrong? I need to try this with Gil!”

I decided to put the book into practice one Saturday when I had Elliott around to help with Lena (and offer moral support!). Then I started doing 5 things:

1. I watched Gil for signs of sleepiness and then started the process of putting him down for a nap by his second yawn.

According to the book, there are three stages to falling asleep (yawning, a dazed stare, and then nodding off to sleep). I started watching Gil closely for signs that he was getting tired in the first stage, which included yawning as well as rubbing his eyes, turning his head away from stimulation, and becoming increasingly discontent. Then I counted the yawns and began the process of putting him to sleep by the second or third yawn. This way I avoided overtired screaming and — to my astonishment — he would fall asleep within 1-5 minutes instead of with 10 minutes of screaming!

2. I began to lay Gil down in his crib when he was drowsy, not fully asleep.

To do this, I would only hold Gil for a moment or two before laying him into his bed. Then, while he was still awake in his bed, I would gently hold his pacifier in his mouth, pat his chest, and say “shhh” until he sunk into a deep sleep. If he started crying, I would pick him up and soothe him again; as soon as he was calm again, I would lay him down. Gil actually seemed to like this and it made me wonder if all the rocking and bouncing I used to get him to sleep before was frustrating to him and keeping him up longer! Also, I think the transition of moving to his bed was more disruptive to him in a deep sleep than in a drowsy state when he could say, “ok, I’m falling asleep in my bed now” and then do just that.

3. I began to put Gil to sleep for the night around 6:30 PM.

Before I made these changes, Gil had been up and down until 11 PM each night. This is typical for a newborn that has no routine and no knowledge of the difference between night and day. But Gil was already 2.5 months, and every book says a baby should be going to sleep between 6-7 PM at that age. Gil still continues to wake up to nurse about every 2-3 hours, but he knows now (and learned quickly) that he must go right back to sleep after nursing at night. What a relief! Elliott and I have our evenings to ourselves again!

4. With the earlier bedtime, I also introduced a bedtime routine to signal the end of the day and to help Gil relax before bed.

Following the suggestions in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, I began to give Gil a short bath and massage at 6 PM every evening. Gil LOOOOVES this time with me. He smiles the entire time and coos and just gobbles up all the individual attention. He loves the warm bath, he loves the massage, he loves the quiet room and me smiling down and singing to him. This has become a time that I look forward to as well. I watched this DVDto help me learn some infant massage techniques and I use this super-safe lotionon Gil’s baby skin.

Now I only wish someone could put me to bed with a bath and a massage every night. And going to bed at 6:30 wouldn’t be so bad either!

5. Finally, I stopped using the baby swing.

It was a bit of a relief, to be honest. Although I miss the 3-hour naps Gil took in it at one point in his earlier babyhood, I had begun to notice after about 2 months that Gil didn’t seem fully rested, peaceful, or content when he woke up from a nap in the swing. Also, the swing is an eyesore and has a large footprint in our home. I’m so glad to be rid of it!

We interrupt this program to admire the cuteness beside me right now…

And so there you have it. Big, wonderful changes around here! I have a little guy who actually sleeps in his bed now, who requires very little soothing before he sleeps, and who goes to sleep for the night around 6:30 PM. Such an improvement for this mama… and her baby! I haven’t said this about a baby book before, but I will say it about this one: Secrets of the Baby Whispererchanged my life.

Now lest I give you the impression that life with Gil is just peachy, please know that isn’t entirely true yet. He takes only short naps (30-45 minutes at a time) and that is so frustrating to me; I wish he’d sleep longer. I go into his room and do all I can to coax him back to sleep, but I’m rarely successful. Another frustrating thing is that he wakes up 3-5 times a night to nurse. I know this was a habit I established early by feeding him whenever he asked for it, but it didn’t bother me so much when he was sleeping next to me. Now that he’s sleeping in another room, getting up every 2 hours in the night to feed him is exhausting. I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet. In fact, I have no idea what to do about it. My books say I should soothe him instead of feeding him… but at 2 AM all I want to do is get back to my own warm bed as quickly as I can, not soothe a screaming baby for an hour! Other books say I should let him cry it out.

Do you have any ideas??