Becca Garber

Unplugging and Restarting Your Parenting Overseas (or Right Where You Are!)

May 19, 2014 at 7:40 pm

When I told my dad we were moving to a foreign country, he said: “I think this is so good. You guys are young. You can go away and establish yourselves as a family, work out your priorities, without a lot of family nearby and outside influences. This is a great, great opportunity for you, and I am so happy for you.”

I’ve thought about that a thousand times since we moved to Sicily three years ago. My parents raised my siblings and me overseas, so he spoke from a depth of experience. He knew that anyone who lives overseas has a choice. You will be isolated, you will be lonely, you will be overwhelmed, you will be foreign.

But.

You can use the isolation for your benefit. You can take advantage of the distance from the influences that affect your peers. You can reevaluate your priorities, establish new habits, build a foundation for your family. You can train the crew of your little ship so that when the world’s fancies sway this way and that, you can still hold steady to your goals.

For us, Sicily was where our parenting started. Lena was just three months old when our plane landed in Italy. Also, I quit my job when we left the States, and I couldn’t immediately find work here. (You can read about that difficult transition here.)

After I accepted my new status as a full-time mom instead of a full-time nurse, I sat down and thought about the kind of mom I wanted to be, especially as a stay-at-home mom. This move gave us a chance to establish ourselves as parents and as a family and to decide what our priorities would be.

These were the priorities we have established here:

We want to read.

A lot. We love to read, thanks to parents who raised us on a steady diet of great literature. My husband and I read an average of 50 books a year on our own, and we read at least four books a day to each of our kids.

One trick to reading a lot is to surround yourself (and your kids) with good books. There are [piles of] books all over our home, and I recently calculated that we have about 100 board books and 150 picture books. Plenty to keep both the readers and the listeners interested in the stories!

(Note to moms trying to build their home libraries: try library book sales. I’ve filled boxes with children’s books at library sales in the States and then shipped them back to us overseas with the super-cheap, super-slow Media Mail option.)

We want to cook our own clean, healthy food.

We live in a small town in rural Sicily, and we have to drive at least 30 minutes to get good ethnic (ie. not Italian) food. We enjoy going out to a restaurant once a month or so – usually for incredible wood-fired pizza in our town – but it’s stressful with little kids. So… in Sicily, if we want to eat, we kind of have to cook.

And cook we do! Thanks to dearth of restaurants and a cornucopia of produce, I’ve finally gotten the crash course in basic home cooking that I so desperately needed… oh, when I went to college. I do our dry-goods shopping at the U.S. grocery store on base, and then we try to purchase most of the perishable items — fruits, vegetables, cheese, seafood — at the market or in town. Sicily makes this easy.

I’ve watched my friend Rachel beautifully transform the food culture in her home since moving here. Here’s what she said about living and cooking in Sicily:

“Not having the fast food option has helped me to learn to embrace cooking. I’ve always enjoyed it, but having such easy (and cheap) access to incredible fresh ingredients has motivated me to search out ways to cook them. On top of that, I’ve loved having my kids in the kitchen with me! … Mussels and artichokes are their favorites these days. (Isn’t that crazy?! We can’t believe it, either!) We love knowing that we’re laying a foundation of healthy eating for them!”

We don’t want TV to be a big deal in our home.

By that I mean that we want to spend more time doing other things, and we don’t want our kids sitting in front of screens. For now, our family does not own a TV. Our kids don’t expect movies or computer time; we just fill our days with other activities. We don’t think this is a permanent choice (both Elliott and I grew up with — and loved — family movie nights), but it’s right for us during this season.

I’d like to blog more about this soon, but in the meantime, Amanda wrote an amazing blog post about living without a TV during their three years in Japan. I highly recommend it!

We don’t want to spend a lot of time on our computers or phones in front of our kids.

I wrote more about my decisions to limit my iPhone usage here. (Elliott doesn’t own a smartphone right now, so it’s a lot easier for him!)

I loved my friend Sarah’s comment on that blog post because it shows how Sicily has helped her unplug and restart her parenting as well:

“Since moving to Sicily it has been very freeing to be in a different time zone where social media is not buzzing in the phone…. I have found that also I get frustrated with my kids if I’m distracted by my phone because they’re not allowing me to “focus.” I have noticed that and have now made a point to only check FB and email in the mornings, nap time, and the evenings…. It allows me to be a mother and wife who is present.”

Amen to that! I only wish it were more true of me.

We want to explore alternative employment.

I sell handmade crafts, do copy editing work for my dad’s organization, and blog… and earn a few dollars a month. ;) It’s ok; earning money is not my primary focus right now. I’m enjoying this chance to explore other fields besides nursing during these years so that I have a better idea of my skills and interests (and so I keep developing both of those!) whenever I re-enter the workforce.

Elliott has also enjoyed “building a platform” that might lead to another career down the road. He established a website and podcast while he was here called “The Uncommon Veterinarian.” He also is almost finished with his first novel, a monumental feat of dedication.

We want to stay connected to family back home.

We Skype with family on weekend afternoons, and my blog is a big way to stay connected to our family and invite them into our lives. We also love it when they visit us here!

We want to open our home to visitors.

We love having family and friends come to stay, and we’ve tried to make that a priority in our lives by always having an available guest room, a pretty open schedule, and a welcome invitation to anyone who would like to come.

This year we’ve had week-long visitors every month since October, and we try to open our home regularly for dinners, play dates, and game nights, too. It’s all a part of our life-goal of making room… hence the name of this blog!

We want to spend time outdoors.

That’s why we chose a house that had a whole green valley for a backyard. Except in the summertime, we take the kids on a hike about every week. Often Elliott will take the kids for a walk as soon as he gets home from work and while I’m cooking dinner. They meander down to the piazza and come back with fresh bread and wine to accompany our meal, or sometimes they walk farther to a farm near our house.

——–

For those of us in Sicily – or living anywhere overseas – this is a rare opportunity. Living overseas is an adventure, and there are definitely extra challenges with the distance from family and smaller community and resources. But don’t forget that the community is (usually) ready-made and eager to welcome you; resources are often plentiful and free; and you live in a beautiful-in-its-own-way, once-in-a-lifetime location.

Of course, unplugging and restarting your parenting — or your life! — is important to do wherever you are whenever you need to do it, whether you’re in Bahrain or Boston, Iceland or Indianapolis, Venezuela or Vancouver. Certainly there are more resources and more diversity when you’re in a major Western metropolis. I want our family’s priorities and goals to be something we constantly remember, re-evaluate, and re-prioritize no matter where we live.

Now it’s your turn! Before you had a family of your own, how did you picture your family? How did you envision yourselves spending weekends, evenings, and holidays? What did you think your priorities would be?

If you’re single, how did you picture yourself at this age? Are your priorities in the right place?

And now: what baby steps could you take to help yourself get there? Here are some suggestions (most of which I could really apply to my life!):

Waking up 15 minutes earlier to pack a healthy lunch for yourself, or to get a shower in before the kids are up. (I didn’t do that this morning and wish I had….)
Going home next weekend to spend time with your parents.
Finally making a budget and sticking to it.
Reading one book this month that you’ve always wanted to read. Maybe a short classic like My Antonia, or a beautiful memoir like The Dirty Life, or a great piece of new fiction like What Alice Forgot.
Making a meal plan this week (just four meals, and use the leftovers for other meals) and shopping for the ingredients.
Setting a goal of something to do with your kids today, like reading one book to each of them, or building a blanket fort instead of letting them watch TV, or making homemade play dough in fun colors.

OK, enough talking. What do you think of all this? How can you unplug and restart your parenting right where you are? You guys inspire me! I can’t wait to hear what you have to say!

25 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, family, Italy, military life, motherhood, Sicily, thoughts

At last… Paris!

May 15, 2014 at 7:55 pm

It’s been a month now since we were in lovely Pah-ree, and I think that’s because every time I looked at the pictures I got so depressed. Paris was so much more beautiful in my memory! It was like a dream!

But in my mediocre photographs, it looked rather ordinary, and our children looked somewhat overwhelmed, and the parents and grandparents looked very grateful to be sitting down with whatever beverage was in front of them.

I suppose many things were true simultaneously: we were enthralled and we were exhausted, we were fascinated and we were fatigued, we were savoring and we were stressed. Such is traveling with little children. And traveling to a place like Paris — which is e-nor-mous — when you are trying to see as much as possible in four days, well… there’s sure to be a lot of bliss and a lot of blerg.

Anyway. I finally did edit the photos. I think these “few” — culled from hundreds — help it to look delightful again, and that’s how I’d like to remember it!

Our babies will fit in the overhead luggage!
Also, first glimpses of Paris near the apartment we were sharing with Elliott’s parents.

In the final 15 minutes of an exhausting day of travel from Sicily to Paris, Gil threw up on me in a taxi. We arrived at our apartment feeling like we’d traveled across the world instead of the continent. That night, Elliott and I left our sleeping children in his parents’ care and went on a walk through Paris at midnight. Oh, how we needed that walk. We saw Notre Dame (behind us in the b&w photo) and then wandered back along the Île Saint-Louis to Berthillon.

And then we ended up behind Natalie Portman to get our ice cream! Way to redeem yourself, Paris. Thank you.

Pont des Amoureux (Love Lock Bridge) by Notre Dame the next morning.

Grampa & Gil inside Notre Dame Cathedral.

At the Rodin Museum with his Marmee.

Picking out a treat at the museum’s pretty outdoor cafe.

We spent a whole day at Versailles, where we loved the grounds (pictured above and below) and spent hours walking, picnicking, and biking around them.

This bike ride around the gardens was one of the best things we did on the whole trip.

On the R, goofing off with Lena in the elevator inside the palace because someone “weally, weally need to use da baffroom.” Real life with kids, even at Versailles.

The Hall of Mirrors inside the palace. I have pointedly cut off the heads of the several hundred other tourists who were packed like sardines into the room with us.

The kids rode not one but two! carousels by the Eiffel Tower one afternoon. Lucky ducks.

Eiffel Tower by day and by night from Trocadero. So beautiful! Lena shrieked with glee when the sparkly lights came on around 9pm. As my mother-in-law said, we all felt the same way, but Lena was the one who expressed it. Magical!

We visited Notre Dame every day. Lovely lady.

We happened upon the Marche aux Fleurs unexpectedly and felt like we’d stepped into a painting. A perfumed, misty, sensational painting.

Lena amused herself in line outside Saint Chapelle.

Inside Saint Chapelle, more beautiful than I’d ever imagined.

On our last night in Paris, we met up with my California cousins in a park between our apartments. The adults picnicked with baguettes, meats, cheeses, and wine in the grass, and the kids ran in ever-widening circles away from us and around the gardens and play equipment. A perfect, child-centric end to our stay.

The park where we met up with my cousins. Let me just close by saying that I love almost everything about Paris, but the parks and playgrounds every few blocks stole the show. When the kids were cranky, when we all needed to rest our feet, when it was time to spread out a picnic and relax… well, there’s nothing like a Parisian park.

Right, Gil?

——–

Have you ever been to Paris? What were your favorite things about the city? Not just museums, but unforgettable moments or memories?

13 :: in family, Paris, travel

portraits of my children {19|52}

May 14, 2014 at 3:45 pm

The 52 Project: A portrait of my children once a week + every week in 2014.
See the whole series here.

Lena: This isn’t the greatest photo (her face is in shadow), but it captured so much about her these days that I decided to include it anyway. These days she wants to climb on anything and everything, fearlessly hang on right side up or upside down, and then jump off or down if she possibly can. The photo also captures her crazy hair, which she no longer allows me to touch without a serious battle of the wills. And it captures her determination to dress herself, and to wear whatever she picked, even if I make a case that things should match. She goes through full wardrobe changes at least three times a day, emerging with all kinds of crazy combinations of clothes, with usually everything on backwards. How does she do that? Shouldn’t there be a 50/50 chance that it will go on the right way? But it’s so cute and innocent, and she’s so determined and comfortable, so… we let it lie.

Gil: I took this right as he spotted a stranger crossing the playground, and his face immediately changed from disinterest to curiosity and then a sweet, shy smile. He’s so personable these days, walking up to people in the airport and holding out a hand in greeting, sharing his toys with any diners near us in a restaurant, content to sit on anyone’s lap after church to see if they’ll feed him. (“Donuts only, please, and none of that fruit stuff. I know the diff.”) And his blond curls and blue eyes will pretty much get him whatever he wants, especially here in Italy. He charms the socks right off his mama most of the time, too, which is unfortunate because he happens to also be developing a strong will and a well-timed burst of tears whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. Amiable baby no more, folks; we have a determined toddler on our hands. Greeeeat…

And finally, random quotes from Lena:

“I did that when I was eight years old.” (She is three.)

“I am sad today because my sister went to fool [school] without me.” (She doesn’t have a sister.)

While staring down at the baby pool on the porch that I was dutifully filling up: “Why did you peel off my paper wrapping? Now I’m naaaaked.” (Took me a minute. She was quoting this.)

While I weigh vegetables and stick labels on them at the grocery store: “We guys want a sticker.”

5 :: in 52 project

bread + wine + kids + travel

May 12, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I took this photo in our Paris apartment on a quiet afternoon that Elliott and I spent reading and sipping hot, milked-down espresso as the kids slept. (In other words… that afternoon was heaven on earth!)

The other day Lena and I were sitting on the couch together, as we often do during Gil’s morning nap. We finished reading picture books together, and she started coloring. I turned back to Bread and Wine, a book I find myself reading slowly, savoring, and then caught up in irresistibly, reading faster than I intend, but unable to put down for the sheer joy and beauty of each honest story, each delicious food, each life lesson, that the author shares.

I had come to the chapter innocuously titled “Delicious Everywhere,” and I was totally roped in because she was writing about traveling and eating around the world, two things near and dear to my heart.

And then boom. I hit these last two paragraphs of the chapter, and my heart started to sing in my chest. Every line felt like it was written just for me, a perfect description of everything I feel and act upon in my life, said in a way I’ve always been struggling to find.

And right there, on the couch, in the middle of the morning, I began to cry.

“Sometimes people ask me why I travel so much, and specifically why we travel with [our little kids] so often. I think they think it’s easier to keep the kids at home, in their routines, surrounded by their stuff. It is. But we travel because it’s there. Because Capri exists and Kenya exists and Tel Aviv exists, and I want to taste every bite of it. We travel because I want my kids to learn, as I learned, that there are a million ways to live, a million ways to eat, a million ways to dress and speak and view the world. I want them to know that “our way” isn’t the right way, but just one way, that children all over the world, no matter how different they seem, are just like the children in our neighborhood — they love to play, to discover, to learn.

“I want my kids to learn firsthand and up close that different isn’t bad, but instead that different is exciting and wonderful and worth taking the time to understand. I want them to see themselves as bit players in a huge, sweeping, beautiful play, not as the main characters in the drama of our living room. I want my kids to taste and smell and experience the biggest possible world, because every bite of it, every taste and texture and flavor, is delicious.” (emphasis mine)

I don’t yet understand why I love living and traveling overseas so much. Yes, I did grow up mostly overseas, but I didn’t always love it, and when we moved back to the States and I went to college, I was so ready. I was so done with living overseas. I loved living in Virginia and Boston and D.C. for a few years.

But then — as soon as the opportunity presented itself — I couldn’t wait to live overseas again. As Elliott will tell you, we’re living in Italy now because he let me choose where we could live next, and I chose Italy.

And, to be honest, I have really mixed emotions about moving back to the States for our new life in CA. Earlier this spring, Elliott interviewed for a job that would have sent us to Tbilisi, in the Republic of Georgia, and a big part of me longed for him to get that job, for us to plunge headfirst into yet another culture, another language, another city map, another international church, another home away from home.

I am sure there are many sinful emotions tied up in my love of living and traveling and being overseas. There’s pride and a desire for adventure and a longing to be different.

But there’s also a love for it. Learning the road rules, the food cultures, the hand gestures, the clothing staples, the housing quirks, and the right way to check out in a grocery store… I love all that. No matter where I am in the world, I get a thrill from learning these everyday communication techniques, learning how to fit in like a local, learning how to blend my family’s culture and the country’s culture.

And so, because of all these tied-to-my-heartstrings reasons, I’ve loved this chance to birth one of my children and raise two of them — at least for a little while — in another country. Together, Elliott and I encouraged and taught and watched them experience and savor this overseas life too. We watched them play with children for hours who didn’t speak their language, watched their eyes light up with delight over foods we can’t find in the States, watched them hike mountains and swim in oceans and walk on streets where no one else shares their nationality.

Our children’s acceptance and fascination with all we teach them — “this is good” or “this is different” or “this is home” — is a privilege given to parents. For this season of life, I’m so glad that we could teach them that home includes buying olives and eggplants at the market each week, and a handyman who speaks only Italian, and the unbending rule that you must say “grazie” after someone does something kind.

I hope we can continue to welcome the world into our home, in California and beyond, through food, visitors, books, and discussions around the dinner table. I worry that I will become complacent, or that I’ll forget. I fear — because I know my weaknesses — that I’ll become comfortable with familiar and forget the beauty and challenge of living so close to the ground in another culture. I hope I won’t forget.

And I hope it won’t be too long before we pack our bags and move overseas again for awhile. Oh please, God, don’t let it be too long.

Have you ever left a life overseas, and do you long to go back? Any encouragement for someone about to make the transition to the States?

21 :: in good reads, military life, thoughts, travel

portraits of my children {17|52 + 18|52}

May 5, 2014 at 4:59 pm

The 52 Project: A portrait of my children once a week + every week in 2014.

OK, time to play catch up! I came home from Paris totally photoed-out, and so for all of Week 17 of the photo project, I didn’t want to take a single picture. I did get a couple of iPhone photos, though…

Lena (below): We spent a quiet week at home after Paris. During that time, Lena rediscovered her blocks and built this amazing tower while I was somewhere else in the house. When she called me to see her masterpiece, I was completely impressed. She’s never constructed anything so elaborate before. Her smile tells you she knows it, too!

Gil: My sweet “Aunt” Leslie has an heirloom children’s clothing business, and she made these beautiful color-coordinated outfits for the kids when Gil was born. Last Sunday we took them to church all gussied up in their finery. Despite looking like they stepped out of the 19th century, I think both of them were a lot more comfortable than they are in some of their more fashionable 21st century duds!

This past Wednesday, Elliott’s brother Jonathan and his wife Erika joined us for five days. Elliott took time off work to spend with them, and we spent every day exploring Sicily and introducing them to our favorite towns, sights, and foods. The kids loved having them here, and we were all so sad to see them leave this morning.

(And there I go second-guessing our decision to not move back to D.C. to be near family for the millionth time…!)

Anyway, we spent one day with J+E in the beautiful town of Taormina, which has already been featured on this blog about 10 times. As usual, we ate our way through Taormina, capping it all off with the delicious granita (Italian ice made with fresh fruit) at Bam Bar. Lena’s face says it all once again…

And I’ll leave you to enjoy Gil’s series of portraits with his Aunt Erika below. He’s figuring the important things out in life first, I guess!