Archive | thoughts

7/52 and learning to be a thankful stay-at-home mom

February 19, 2014 at 4:06 pm

The 52 Project: a portrait of my children once a week & every week in 2014.

Lena: We’ve enjoyed so many beautiful fires in our hobbity fireplace this winter! Lena is usually the one who asks Elliott to build a fire in the evenings, and then they sit in front of it and read stories before he puts her to bed. The fact that she loves all of these things — a cozy fire, reading books with her daddy, comfort in such simple and beautiful traditions — gives her parents so much joy.

Gil: His sleeping habits have improved a lot over the past few months, but he still wakes up once between 4-6am to nurse, and sometimes I don’t know if he’ll go back to sleep if he nurses at 6am. This particular morning last week, he didn’t. We welcomed the sunrise on the balcony as I sipped my coffee and he unloaded all the clothespins from the basket.

(Side note: Gil also took his first steps last Thursday! We were Skyping with Elliott’s family, and I was trying to keep Gil amused and quiet. I spontaneously stood him up and then beckoned him, and he took a couple faltering steps towards me… and did it over and over! He’s also saying four words now: Mama, Dada, uh-oh, and hi. And his “bye-bye” wave melts my heart every time!)

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As I wrote to a friend this week, I’ve been convicted these past few days about my sense of entitlement. I feel entitled to pretty much whatever I want — to travel, to complain, to sleep in, to get me-time, to spend money as I please, to expect Elliott to care for the kids the moment he walks through the door, and so on and so forth.

When I don’t get what I feel entitled to receive, I complain. I whine. I moan and groan about my life, how hard it is, how no one understands. I read mommy blogs and opinion pieces that all affirm my emotions. As I’m sure everyone has noticed, this is a really popular topic right now. My father-in-law sent us an article which does a brilliant job of explaining why young Americans in particular feel this way.

And then I read this amazing blog post which kind of felt like a bucket of cold water to my face. I SIGNED UP FOR THIS. I knew what I was getting into… or at least I had a very good idea. I decided to have kids. I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. So why am I acting like so many things are such a shock, or such a burden, or such an insult? Babies have poopy diapers, so why do I groan when I have to change another one? Children are messy, so why am I complaining about vacuuming? Kids are slow, so why am I always (always) late instead of just learning to get ready earlier? And why am I so quick to blame everyone but myself?

I told Elliott last night that right now there is no other job I want to do more than this one. Not a single job anywhere in the whole world. I want this, I chose this, I signed up for this. Not only that, but I consider myself richly blessed to be able to stay home with our young children, to write and photograph and record these early years, to be an amateur chef and preschool teacher and best friend, to create a peaceful and beautiful place to call home. I thank Elliott often (and need to thank him more) that he is the sole breadwinner for our family right now.

I’ve asked Elliott to hold me accountable to an attitude of thankfulness. It won’t be easy, but I do want this attitude of entitlement to die. I am grateful, I am so thankful, that this is my lot in life right now. So here’s to being a cheerful worker, and therefore a cheerful stay-at-home mom!

18 :: in 52 project, Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, motherhood, thoughts

guest post on Communicating Across Boundaries!

January 28, 2014 at 3:32 pm

With two little kids who are changing every day, I spend most of my time on this blog writing about them, and I rarely dip into stories from my past. Those of you who don’t know me in person probably aren’t aware that I grew up overseas and was born in Egypt. And almost gave birth to Lena in Egypt, too! But that’s another story for another time.

Today I have the enormous privilege of sharing a little bit about my childhood and newlywed days on my friend Marilyn’s blog. Just like me, she has spent many years of her life overseas, and her blog reflects her love for other cultures and cross-cultural communication. I feel wiser and more thoughtful after reading her posts.

I enjoyed going deeper today to write about experiencing tear gas in Pakistan as a girl and the white-knuckle night Elliott finally got out of Egypt before the revolution in Tahrir Square. Head on over to Communicating Across Boundaries to read my reflections on being a TCK!

12 :: in guest post, thoughts

he turns one tomorrow…

January 24, 2014 at 3:20 pm

… and I’m just not sure I can handle that!

You know what they say: “The moments are long, but the years are short.” We’ve had some looooong moments this year with mischievous little Gil; he came into our lives like an 8lb hurricane and really shook things up for awhile. But as the months have gone by, his blond curls and heart-stopping belly laugh have completely undone us time and time again, and we love him more than we could have ever imagined.

Like I mentioned here, this past week was a hard one for me. Elliott was asked to speak at a veterinary conference in the States, so I was holding down the fort with two rather small children. Lena got a stomach virus the morning that he left, and then on Tuesday both kids developed an impressive cold. I have never mopped up so much snot or said, “Cover your mouth, Lena. Cover! Cover… your… oh, never mind…” so many times in an hour. Gil in particular was severely congested, and I spent several of his nap times rocking him back to sleep every 20 minutes, something I’ve haven’t done since he was a couple months old.

But even when the going got tough, both kids continued to be loveable this week, and we toughed it out together. Also, Gil developed this adorable habit that makes everything completely ok with the world again. Before every nap, after he’s done nursing, he has started turning over onto his stomach and wedging his little head into my armpit. He murmurs and giggles while he does it, burrowing until he can’t burrow anymore and then lying there in complete contentment as I rub his back and murmur nonsense to him. Then he often climbs onto my stomach and snuggles some more, gently tapping my shoulder with his fist, cooing and giggling.

Finally, I scoop him up and kiss him, just like always, and breathe deeply of his baby curls, and lay him down in his bed, and rub his back, and slip out of the room whispering, “Goodnight, Gil-baby. I love you. I love you so much!”

P.S. Photos are all from this morning, a sweet and everyday one with just the three of us. Here are some posts from last year at this time: my last day as mother of one, Gil’s birth announcement, and Gil’s birth story.

17 :: in Baby Numero Due, Gil, motherhood, thoughts

from a weary mom after the holidays

January 6, 2014 at 1:51 pm

I don’t know what exactly snapped on Saturday night, but it was at that point that I decided I’d had it with the kids.

Too many mornings staggering around the kitchen half-asleep listening to Lena recite what she would like for breakfast (“I want Grape Nuts with some of your milk in a bowl and then some of Daddy’s milk in a cup! OK, Mama? OK? I want Grape Nuts with some of your milk…”) and putting food on Gil’s tray as fast as he can eat it while just longing to sit quietly, read my book, and sip my cup of coffee. Too many hours on the floor with my children, building the same towers or scooping the same markers and crayons back into the same Tupperware container after we all “color” together. Too many hours in the kitchen throwing together meal after snack after meal after snack for my family. Too much time in the house, not enough time outside, not enough time with other people.

Marriage is like dancing, and at that moment on Saturday night, I just couldn’t dance anymore. One thing I’m learning, though, is that even when your partner stumbles, the music — that is, life — keeps right on going. The kids still need your help, the stomachs still need to be filled, the routine still must go on. Sometimes both partners stop dancing at the same time, and it’s messy and sad. But in that moment, Elliott kept dancing even though I couldn’t. He played with the kids, put them in the bath, and then, after they were in bed, he found me and encouraged me.

In those moments, I felt like a failure. I said I wanted to do this stay-at-home mom thing while the kids were tiny, and Elliott has not only been fine with this but has also praised me, supported me, and been grateful for me. But on Saturday night I just wanted a break from my life. Unfortunately, there was really no feasible way to do that. Like most situations, the easiest answer was just to get a good night’s sleep, pray for strength and perspective, and start again the next day.

Honestly, I think part of the issue was that I just didn’t get out of the house enough over the holidays. Christmas through New Year’s keep people at home with their families, which is wonderful in some ways, but my home includes two kids two and under… ack! They need more to wear them out than just block towers, and I need more to give me a break than just their two-hour nap every afternoon.

It’s Monday morning now, and it’s a new day. There is coffee in my cup, laundry in the machine, and sunshine streaming through the windows. It’s highlighting all the dirt on the floor, but… I’ll tackle that eventually. Gil is napping, Lena is at a friend’s house, and Siena is rubbing affectionately against my legs, then dashing ahead of me with a little Maine Coon-chortle wherever I go. I pray at the end of Gil’s nap I can pick him up with genuine joy and go to meet Lena with anticipation and thankfulness.

What do you do to help you recharge your batteries when you’re tired of your work, whatever it might be? No matter what our profession, we all have to show up the next day (or right after nap time) with a smile on our faces and a can-do attitude. How do you get there? What recharges you?

27 :: in Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom Series, motherhood, naptime diaries, thoughts

my 2013 goals in review

January 2, 2014 at 2:43 pm

Biggest and proudest accomplishment of 2013: my contribution to creating and caring for this family of mine!

OK, after a year of work… 2013 is over, and it’s time to review my goals for this past year! Sharing them publicly with all of you is definitely a way to keep me accountable, and I think it helped me stay on track a little better this year than I did in 2012.

If you’d like to, I would love to hear about how well you accomplished your goals (or resolutions), or you could link to your blog posts about them in the comments, too!

Here’s how I did with my 2013 goals:

Love Elliott and Lena and our Baby Boy.

Nothing like keeping my priorities straight! How can I measure this one? I definitely found myself frequently stretched to love my family with patience, compassion, creativity, and humility, particularly when Gil was tiny and we were adjusting to being a family of four. Through it all, though, my love for my family has become deeper than ever, and I am more in love with Elliott and more invested in my whole family than I was a year before. It is wonderful to see my heart full to bursting with love… and then realize a year later that my love has miraculously grown.

Finish War and Peace!

Fail. Total. Complete. Fail. I literally did not even open the book all year. I did move it from my bedside table (where it was mocking me) to the floor (where it continued to mock me) to the guest room (where I was grateful to finally forget about it). I’m hoping for better luck next year with me and Prince Andrei, Natasha, Pierre, Hélène, Nikolai, etc. etc. etc….

Read at least 10 classics that I haven’t read but have always wanted to read.

In the minutiae of motherhood, reading is a respite and a relief to me. (How alliterative! Now I’m on a roll.) Reading books continues my education in an academic sense even when the rest of my life is mostly preparing and cleaning up food, facilitating sleep, and providing wholesome and creativity activities for little minds. When my body is exhausted, I can rest with a book. Other than conversations with Elliott before we fall asleep — or sleep itself — I can’t think of a more restful activity for me.

I also have a deeply satisfying sense of accomplishment when I read the last page and close another book. I can’t quite describe it. It is an accomplishment that cannot be taken away from me, that cannot be undone by little fingers, that is recognized by everyone as a great achievement, and that contributes profoundly to who I am as a person.

I’ve set book reading goals for myself for two years in a row now. In 2012 I resolved to read a book a week for 52 books total, and this past year I resolved to read 40 books. At 11:33pm on December 31st, I finished my 45th book of 2013, including 10 classics. And oh, that feeling of achievement! I’m so glad I did it, and I think I’ll set the same goal again next year. These are the classics that I read in 2013:

A Passage to India by E.M. Forester
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh
Confessions by St. Augustine
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
Persuasion by Jane Austen
The Road by Cormac McCarthy

(I use this Book List Challenge to help me keep track of classics I’ve read and want to read. It’s not definitive, of course, but it is fun! I’ve read 50 of these books… 50 more to go.)

If you’d like to challenge yourself to read more in 2014, I highly recommend Goodreads. It’s like Facebook for bookworms! It’s a fantastic way to learn about new books, see what your friends are reading, keep track of your own reading (because otherwise I never remember), and set reading goals. You can become my friend on Goodreads right here.

Sell 50 handmade items either through craft fairs or through my Etsy shop.

I sold 56. Thank you to all of you who bought something from me!

Study Italian

I planned to complete this Italian workbook as well as the two volumes of Pimsleur Italian audio series. I finished the audio series but not the workbook. I did made good headway into it, though, so I think I’ll finish the book as one of my 2013 goals… before we leave Italy, of course!

Learn more about and practice the manual settings on my camera.

I did do this, but I am still scratching the surface of the manual settings. I know this is the next big step for me in improving my photography (umm… duh), but I have such a comfort zone with the automatic settings on my DSLR and find it hard to imagine that my fumbling with the manual settings will really change my photographs very much. I know that’s not true. Right?

Launch my blog on a new website.

Done as of January 28th, 2013 (< also the day I announced Gil’s birth). I still don’t feel as comfortable with WordPress as I did with Blogspot, but I am grateful to own all my content and to have complete power over the look of my website.

Maybe I’ll beautify a few things around here in 2014. If you have any blog-improvement suggestions (like formatting or helpful features or whatnot), I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Publish a piece of writing (fiction or non-fiction) in a non-blog setting.

Nope. Sigh. I did read a piece of my writing at our church’s women’s Christmas event, so maybe this goal was partially accomplished. But speaking vs. writing wasn’t exactly what I was intending when I made this goal, so I think I’ll try again in 2014.

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So that was 2013! Tomorrow I’ll publish my list of goals for 2014. I’m still working on writing some of them, but other goals are underway already. Again, if you’d like to share your 2013 or 2014 goals, I’d love to hear about them!